TURNING
THE HEARTS OF THE CHILDREN TO THEIR FATHERS
"My
son, give me thine heart" (Proverbs 23:26)
From a sermon
preached March 3, 2002 by Larry Bond
Parents, imagine yourselves as old, gray, and
wrinkled, brow furrowed, and moistened eyes reddened from repeated floods of
tears. Your heart is heavy with the burden of wayward children and grand
children. You have lost them to the world. Your children will not even let you
talk about the Lord to your own grand children. You spent 20 years raising them.
20 years that now seem wasted, without purpose! The value of your children for
the cause of Christ seems to be zero or minus. You were a good provider - good
food, nice house, nice clothes. You even made sure they always were in church -
Sunday school, youth group, etc. Over and over again you ask yourself, "where did I go
wrong?"
Sadly, many of our fundamental Bible believing
churches have their pews filled with such heart-broken elderly couples. They sit
alone in the pew faithful as ever, but where are the children? Why don't we see
churches filled with 4 or 5 generations of godly Christians? I know, some are
serving God elsewhere (praise God), but many, many are lost to the world! We win
new converts bringing them in the front door, but Satan has the back door open
wide luring out the next generation.
Some churches have found a solution to this problem.
"Since the world has the children's hearts we will lower the
standard closer to what appeals to them. They like rock music so we will try to
keep them by using "contemporary" Christian music in our services.
We will bring in a youth pastor or music director who looks and acts more
like they do." The result: worldly churches - Satan wins again! Eli the
priest kept his sons in the priesthood by compromise, but what a disgrace it was
to God.
In our church the young people want to be like mom
and dad not like the world. Mom and dad are the heroes in their lives! Their
hearts are turned toward their parents not the world. There is no need to lower
the standard to keep them. In fact they would be very unhappy if we lowered our
standard!
So, how do we keep our children without compromising?
We must win their hearts!!! If we discipline in anger, we wound their spirit (Proverbs 18:14), build
a wall between our children and us. When they are young our anger will be
interpreted as authority and may cause fear and guilt, but when they reach
adolescence they say in their hearts, "dad is wrong, I don't have to put up
with this, I have my rights", and a strong wall is being built. Proverbs
18:19 warns, "a brother
offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like
the bars of a castle". Let's
put the word "child" in there. A child offended is harder to be won
than a strong city. Strong cities in Bible days had high, impenetrable walls
such as Jericho. Mighty men of war were easily struck down if they approached to
closely to the wall. The story of a woman who dropped a piece of millstone upon
Abimelech from the tower wall in Thebez (Judges 9:53) was a constant reminder to
military strategists to stay clear of the wall (II Samuel 11:21). The strong
city walls were unapproachable! Our offended teenage children become
unapproachable! Not hard to be won but "harder" to be won than a
strong city! Picture a big strong burley father laying defeated with skull
crushed by a piece of millstone dropped from the wall by a little teenage girl.
But parents, isn't that what is happening with our children? We cannot penetrate
that wall! We are defeated, and they are lost! It would certainly take a Jericho
miracle to bring down the wall. Picture also, a father tugging desperately,
helplessly, hopelessly at the bars of a castle window trying to get through to
his wayward son. A pitiful sight!!!
Again, the millstone is used as an illustration in
Matthew 18:6:"but whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe
in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and
that he were drowned in the depth of the sea". Let us picture a millstone
tied to the neck of an angry, offending parent drowning in the depth of the sea!
Does God take this lightly? I think not!
Col 3:21 says, "fathers, provoke not your
children to anger, lest they be discouraged". Repeated anger by parents
wounding their spirits and building the wall high will eventually discourage the
child. God has put within every child a desire to have a close relationship with
his parents hungering for dad's approval, hungering for dad's love, hungering
for dad's attention, but to no avail. Time after time he is put down, ignored,
or yelled at until finally he gets discouraged and says, "I guess I just
can't have a relationship with my dad, my dad doesn't love me so I'll just have
to look elsewhere for someone to care", and he is on his way down! We have
lost his heart! Someone else shows interest in him, and he is gone. If it is a
worldly someone, he is gone to the world!
The wise man in Proverbs 23:26 said to his son,
"my son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways". How
can we as parents expect our children to respond to this request? It will only
happen if parents' hearts are first turned to their children. Responsibility for
initiating a relationship always falls on the oldest, most mature, most
spiritual, and the highest authority, namely in this case the father.
Malachi 4:5-6 says, "Behold, I will send you
Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD:
And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the
children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse."
This is a prophecy of John the Baptist, and is quoted with some variation in
Luke 1:17: "And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to
turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the
wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord". John in
the spirit and power of Elijah was to prepare the hearts of the people to
receive the Lord. But, notice how he was to accomplish this - by turning the
hearts of the parents and children ("disobedient") towards each other.
Elijah and John were the spiritual leaders of their day. Today, the spiritual
leaders, pastors, teachers, etc. who want hearts to be opened to the Lord,
prepared for the Lord need to be turning "the heart of the fathers to the
children, and the heart of the children to their fathers". I wonder if the
program of most churches today is really geared to do the opposite. Think about
it! A son or daughter who is rebellious to parents will not yield easily to the
Spirit of God. What a beautiful picture it is when the hearts of the parents and
children are turned toward each other. The children are so soft, so teachable,
ready for whatever God has for them. But, how devastating, how displeasing to
the Lord, how "cursed" is a family when it is not that way! It will be
a "curse" if Christian parents at the Judgment seat of Christ have to
watch their children lose their rewards or worse at the Great White Throne
Judgment to watch their unsaved children or grandchildren thrown into the
eternal lake of fire! Remorse upon remorse!!!
Parents, if you are not interested in turning your
hearts toward your children, there is no point in reading further. However, if
you are interested, here are eight things you can do that will help turn your
child's heart to you. These things are not original with me, but I pass them on
praying they will be a help and a blessing to you. I stand convicted with you
dear parents as I share these thoughts with you. May we with humble hearts lay
ourselves open to the Spirit of God?
Time.
Many parents are so busy with making money, an advancing career, some worthy
cause, or the ministry that they are simply not taking enough time for their
children. When I was in Bible school, I was told, "you will be very busy in
the ministry, and so you will have to give your children quality time but not
quantity time". For a number of years I tried that, but found that my
family relationships suffered. That's a cute little saying, but it's simply not
true - it doesn't work. I know we get busy with important things, so apparently
our children aren’t important! We see value in these important things, so
apparently our children aren't valuable! We see treasure in these important
things, so apparently our children are not a treasure! Luke 12:34 says,
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also". My
treasure is not in the bank, or IRAs, or the stock market, or retirement funds,
or a career, or the ministry, my treasure is in my children, and there is my
heart also. The context here is that our treasure will be in heaven. My goal is
that my children, grandchildren, all my descendants will be in heaven, and that
they will labor with an eternal perspective for Jesus Christ. Parents, we will
take time for what we value the most!
Sacrifice.
Do your children see you making sacrifices for them? Selfishness is the opposite
of sacrifice, and all to often parents fail to lay down selfishness for their
children. My wife will not eat unless she sees that there is plenty for
everybody at the table. I have encouraged her to eat (because physically she
really needed to) when there were not leftovers though everyone had plenty, but
she would not fearing someone was not full enough. Her sacrifice has drawn the
hearts of the children to her. My children come to me with a burden when I am
really tired late in the evening. After 9pm is the worst time of the day for me,
and I think to myself, "kids can't this wait until morning"? They
appreciate dad being willing to give them that time when they know it's
difficult for me. Don't misunderstand. We should not shower them with things,
but we should give them ourselves, mostly the sacrifice of our time. Are not our
hearts drawn to our Lord Jesus when we think of His great sacrifice for us?
Likewise meaningful sacrifice by parents will draw the hearts of their children
to them! The best current example I have seen is that of Pastor Bill Yant who
was forced to choose between his ministry of 25 years as pastor and
homeschooling his son. He chose his son, and as a result I have no doubt that
his son's heart will be cemented to his! What a powerful impact this sacrifice
will be in his son's life and fruit of that sacrifice will no doubt yield for
generations to come! Pray for Pastor Yant. He is a godly man jealous for the
souls of men!
Communication.
Our teenagers are bombarded with temptations. Remember? They need to feel free
to come to mom or dad for help with those temptations. They have fears that they
need to share with us. We have experienced God's faithfulness over the years,
but they are beginners in faith, and need our strength and encouragement. We
must keep the communication lines open! When Tiffanie was about 11, she was
struggling with bitterness. We talked with her over and over again, praying with
her, teaching her, encouraging her until now at 16 the scouring looks of
bitterness have transformed into a sweet smile manifesting the hidden, gentle
spirit of her heart "which is in the sight of God of great price".
Mellisa at about 14 was having some attitude and obedience problems. Her
favorite aunt passed away when she was young, and I perceived that this was
bothering her greatly. As a little girl she would hunt me down to sit on my lap
much more so than any of the others. So, I said, "Mellisa come and sit on
daddy's lap like you use to do". I held her close, and talked to her about
her Aunt Terri. We prayed together, and mingled our tears, and what a big change
followed. Parents say, "I just can't get through to my teenager".
That's because somewhere along the way the communication lines were closed!
Actually, though I'm tired in the evening when my children want to talk to dad,
I cherish it. Praise God they come!
Authority.
When they are young, our children were expected to obey without explanation. We
practiced forced compliance. We trained with unquestioned authority. Not only
did we not tell them why, but they didn't even care why. They just wanted to
please mom and dad. But now, as early or pre-teens, they have become our
prosecuting attorney in their hearts. They now believe that right and wrong not
only applies to them but to mom and dad also. They can justify their bad
behavior by our bad behavior. Many parents of teens are in shock for several
years. Our authority must now include reasons and example. They still need
boundaries, but now they need reasons for them, and they need to see no
hypocrisy in us. There might still be times like in an emergency when you expect
instant obedience without a reason but it should be rare. They are developing
their own discernment, so as adults they can make sound decisions. They are not
ready to fly from the nest, but they are learning to fly. Our job is to teach
them how to fly, to encourage and to guide so that as adults they will be able
to soar with power and grace. It's a normal process that must take place, so we
must more and more as they mature become their counselors and less and less
absolute authoritarians. If we do not adjust to this process we will provoke
them to anger, and we will lose their hearts.
Respect.
Parents, our children are people, and we must treat them with the same respect
we would show to another brother or sister in Christ. Can you imagine a pastor
yelling in the face of a member of his congregation? How long would they stick
around? Because some parents have said cutting, belittling, harsh remarks to
their teens, in their hearts they're not sticking around either. Their heart is
gone, and the wall is built!
Humility.
My children know I make mistakes, they know I have faults and weaknesses. The
dumbest thing you can do is to act innocent when you know you're guilty, and
when you know that everyone else knows you're guilty. Our children know when we
fail, and we know they know. The walls of Jericho will never be brought down
without humility. Humility yields grace (James 4:6), and grace yields power (II
Cor. 12:9), power to conquer the strong city of our child's offended heart. A
father with a broken and contrite heart, humbly asking forgiveness from a
wounded child is very powerful! On the other hand, a prideful father who blames
his child for the wall will only add more bricks and more bars.
Touch.
Studies have proven that a baby fed and well cared for but not touched and
cuddled will either die or at least not develop properly. Touch is a sensitive
issue in this day, and we should be careful in public, but at home hugs, or a
hand on the shoulder, or a pat on the back ought to be the norm. It says,
"I love you"! When I give a little tug on my girls' pig tails, I am
saying, "you have my heart, I love you". When I came home after 2 days
in Roseburg, Sabrina (10) met me on the bridge to our house with a big hug. Then
when I came into the house, the other 6 girls all gave me big hugs too. I love
it! They're saying, "my heart belongs to you, dad", and I'm saying,
"my heart is turned towards you, girls".
Blessing.
The blessing of the father was very important to Jewish children. Esau was
robbed of the blessing by his younger brother, and his reaction and Jacob's fear
shows just how important the blessing was. Children have a natural desire to
make their parents proud of them. Young athletes will perform far beyond their
physical abilities when mom and dad are in the grandstands cheering them on. The
spirit of a child is crushed when a parent continually puts him down. "You
can't do anything right", they say, and the wall grows higher. A young man
could never do quite good enough to please his father, never a word of praise,
but always criticism. The youth would try so hard, but to no avail. Years later
even after his father's death, the wall was so high that he could not even stand
to live in the same town where he grew up because of all those bad memories. The
late Dr. Jack Hyles who pastored the largest church in the world had a drunken
abusive father. When he told his father, God had called him to preach, his
father knocked him down and kicked him repeatedly, but then yelled, "Ok, go
ahead and be a blankity, blank preacher, but go out and build the biggest church
in the world!" And, he did! As disgusting of an ungodly father as he was
yet that one angry statement was like a father's blessing. How much more
advantage if godly fathers will give their blessing with words of affirmation,
approval, and encouragement cheering their children on from the grandstands of
life. "My dad wants me to succeed, he is cheering me on to love and obey
God, and be all that I can be for God," they feel. The blessing of the
father is not only powerful motivation, but it also turns the hearts of the
children to their fathers.
Can we say, "my son give me thine heart", and expect a good response? Can we be assured our children's emotions are locked up in their parents until dad says, "this is the one God has chosen for you, and I now release your heart to him or her"? Can we know that someone else will not be able to lure our child's heart away when we are not looking? Is our child's heart in our hands soft and prepared for the Lord?
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